


Monsters for Tea

by swtalmnd



Series: Project Monster [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6630019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swtalmnd/pseuds/swtalmnd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It took awhile for Q to notice the gathering darkness. Or, what happens when someone from Bond's past visits when he's not home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monsters for Tea

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> This was a tumblr meme fill that outgrew its origins, scribblingnellie asked for 00Q and tenebrific: causing gloom or darkness. Obviously, that meant monsters! It's possible I just wanted to write about Andy again.
> 
> Thanks to Erinjoyknits for the beta. All remaining typos and misgenderings are mine (sorry, Andy!).

It took awhile for Q to notice the gathering darkness.

He'd gotten in the habit, at home, of having Andy sleep tucked inside his cardigan, a warm presence that comforted him as much as the twin weights of Sunna and Sekhmet across his legs. He was working in bed, as was his wont. The room was lit by twinkling fairy lights, though less brightly than it had been before Bond brought the monsters in his life out into the light. His laptop provided its own cheerful glow, and it wasn't until Q had to squint to make out his own handwriting in his notebook that he became aware of the gloom.

Night had fallen outside, but that wasn't enough to account for the shadows gathering in the corners of the room, nor the lights struggling to make even a fraction of their usual illumination.

"Andy," said Q softly, feeling his own heartbeat pick up. "Andy, wake up, I need you to look at something."

The little monster crawled out of his sweater and blinked, looking around, eyes huge in its round, fuzzy head. "Dark," it said, cocking its head, sniffing at the air. "Why's it getting dark?"

"That's what I was asking you," said Q, swallowing. "Is it James?"

Andy sniffed again, then pushed off Q and glided over to its actual bed, diving into the darkness that it kept for its own. After more heartbeats than Q wanted to count, it poked its head back out and said, "NotJames! Called him."

"Good monster," said Q. He held out his arm. "Come back to bed? I've got more LEDs."

The lights were flickering now, but Q wasn't going to let that stop him. He had a stash of bright LED torches in the bedside table, and he pulled them out and started setting them up around himself and the cats on the bed. Andy watched for a moment, then pushed off and glided over to him, riding the wave of darkness into his little oasis of light.

"Too bright," it complained, tucking itself back into the safety and darkness of Q's clothing.

"Better bright than whatever's trying to make it dark," said Q, trying hard not to panic. He'd mostly gotten over his fears with the help of his own two monsters, but a flying monkey wouldn't be much help against whatever was trying to invade their flat. James was away on a mission, and might be too far to get home in time.

The lights in the hallway flickered out with a pop, and Q made a mental note to check the fuse. Out of the darkness and through the doorway, a decidedly nonhuman figure stepped into the bedroom.

Q shined one of his torches directly onto it, illuminating eyes that went narrow and squinty, a claw-tipped hand going to shield them, and catlike ears that flicked back in annoyance. "It won't drive me off, it's just annoying."

"Invading my home is far more annoying, I assure you," said Q tartly, though he lowered the light enough that it wasn't directly in her eyes. Her body was all voluptuous curves, though she hadn't yet settled on what form to take now that she'd exited the shadows.

She pouted in a manner that Q suspected straight men would find sexy. "Bond never answers my calls, how could I arrange a visit to his lovely new mate otherwise?"

Q rolled his eyes. "I expect that was the point," he said. "Who are you?" He didn't bother asking why she was here; several of the other Double-Ohs had warned Q that the other monsters were becoming very curious about Bond's reclusive mate.

"I'm an old friend of Bond's," she purred. Her face was as much cat as human, but in a way that managed to be appealing to the human eye. Her eyes had slit pupils, and long brown hair hid her lack of human ears. It seemed like it might not actually be hair, or not just hair, with the way the waves moved independently of the air currents. Her mouth and nose were fully human, but the shape of her face was broader and more feline, and he could see a hint of fang when she talked. Below, she seemed to have given up on legs; writhing tentacles spilled out of the bottom of her side-slit dress, though her torso was still very much that of a well-endowed human female.

Q was suddenly put in mind of Bond's more memorable Project Monster missions. "Oh, Christ," he said with a laugh. "Octopussy?"

She hissed, ears laying back and tentacles writhing angrily. "I hate that stupid nickname," she said, taking a moment to calm herself. "My name is Muriel."

"Muriel, nice to meet you. I'm Q," he said, flicking off the torch in his hands. Aside from the ones that were on the presumably blown fuse, the lights in the flat had been restored to their former brightness, so it felt a bit silly to keep holding it on her. "Are you going to continue to be rude, or shall we have a nice visit?"

She laughed. "Oh, I can see why he likes you," she purred, undulating sinuously.

"I'm entirely gay and entirely his, for the record," said Q dryly.

Her laugh this time was more wry. "No chance of a threesome, then?" she pouted.

"Really not," said Q. He flicked off the torches around himself one by one and got up, careful not to drop Andy from where it was still curled in his cardigan. "The kitchen's behind you, if you'd care for a cup of tea?"

"Well, at least one of you has some manners," she said, stepping -- or rather slithering -- back into the hallway.

Q followed her to the living room and then went around her to get into the kitchen first, not sure how well they'd both fit otherwise. "I'm not the one who blew a fuse barging in here," Q pointed out a bit testily. "You're lucky I didn't shoot you."

She laughed again, sounding more and more delighted with every tetchy remark. "I can definitely see why he likes you," she said, eyeing his body. "It's not just for your narrow arse."

"He's perfectly fond of my arse as well," said Q, filling the kettle and getting out the tea things. "Earl Grey acceptable?"

She made a face. "Anything without bergamot?"

Q rolled his eyes. "Darjeeling or PG Tips," he said, showing her the tin and box, respectively.

"Darjeeling, please," she replied. There was a shiver in the air and she seemed smaller in every respect as she took a seat at the kitchen table, her form now entirely human.

"Jammie Dodgers or Battenberg?" asked Q, putting the box away and setting the tin on the table. "Did you want something, Andy?"

"Cel'ry an' cheese?" asked Andy, peeking up at Q.

Q chuckled. "Yes, of course, the cream cheese or that fancy chevre Bond got you?" he said, stroking the soft fur on Andy's head.

"Mmmmmmcreamy please," said Andy. It shifted so it could just barely peer over at the monster sitting at their kitchen table. "C'n I stay?"

"Yes, all right, but try not to get cheese on my clothes," said Q. He wasn't about to force his pet out of its comfort zone if it didn't want to go, despite having had it so rudely done to him.

"Battenberg, please," said Muriel, looking rather bemused. "Is that your pet?"

"Yes, well, Andy and our two cats. I acquired it when it was sent to spy on us," said Q. "I'm very fond of our flying monkey."

Q found himself missing the ears from her monster form; she had a much better poker face as a human. "Interesting," was all she said in reply.

Q rolled his eyes, and then busied himself with their snack, getting the tea brewing and the cake out, cutting slices and serving them up. He gave Andy a single-serving tub of cream cheese and half a dozen celery sticks to dip in it.

Q was just pouring when the air shivered and Bond stepped out of the entryway, gun cocked and teeth sharp. He froze when he saw the tableau, Q and Muriel congenially having tea, and blurted, "Octopussy?"

"You know I hate that name," she said darkly, not even turning to look.

"Don't be rude, James, come have a sit and I'll pour you a cuppa. Muriel came by to introduce herself to your new mate," said Q. He got down another mug and poured, cutting James a big slice of cake to go with it.

Muriel mixed lots of milk into her tea and watched the two of them with a predator's eyes.

James took the hint. He came over and got a soft greeting kiss from Q, keeping mouth closed and sharp teeth hidden away. "I'm going to have to make it more clearly known that I do not appreciate unannounced visitors to my home," he said, sitting and giving her a very sharp smile indeed, "but it's nice to see you're doing well."

She smiled back, her own teeth gone a bit pointy in the canines. "Q has made that perfectly clear, though you have been rather lax in your invitations."

"Honeymoon phase," said Q, sitting gently so as not to dislodge Andy. "We haven't wanted to stop working or shagging long enough." It was a blatant lie, even his tone flat, but it would give them an excuse if James really did need to start inviting people over to sniff him out. "I don't like guests, anyway."

"My mate is quite the introvert," said Bond fondly. "He's teaching me to love quiet Sundays in with a movie or a good book."

"Stooooories," trilled Andy, relaxing even more now that James was there. It seemed to function under the belief that Bond could fight anything, Q could fix anything, and all was most right when they were both home with it.

James reached into Q's sweater to rub its round belly, which was quite soft now that it had had months of good food and easy living. "We all like stories," he said, smiling fondly.

Q couldn't resist leaning over and kissing him, full of soft affection rather than the chaste politeness of their greeting. "I suppose I could cope with a few occasional visitors," he said. "Ones who had arranged things ahead of time."

Muriel laughed, light as bells. "Oh, yes, I see why he's settled on you," she said. "And a pet, James. I thought you didn't go in for monsters keeping other monsters?"

"Q invited it to stay, and it accepted," said Bond with a shrug. "Andy's family now, like the cats."

Sunna and Sekhmet came strolling into the room, lured by the sound of Bond's voice. They'd become utterly devoted to Bond, the traitors; Q suspected that it was because James brought them fish and chicken from his shopping trips, where Q still mostly fed them from tins. "He didn't bring you anything," said Q to the cats, getting up to pull down a can of their food and jostling Andy a bit in the process.

"Deadmeats," said Andy, wrinkling its nose. It took itself and its empty cream cheese container over to the trash, then got a drink from the faucet, tacitly demonstrating that it belonged here and, by comparison, she did not.

"You can have a biscuit once I'm done," said Q, ruffling its fur as he got the cat food open and distributed. He put the bowls down and then hunted up the biscuits Andy liked best, some vegan thing made with beetroot that Q frankly despised.

Andy turned the water off and happily climbed up to Q's shoulder, not usually a favourite spot unless they were watching tv together. Q gave it a pair of the treats, conscious of the fact that Muriel's eyes were on them. She was as alert as the cats when watching a bird on the balcony, taking in the details of Bond's unexpected domesticity. Q chose to ignore this in favour of keeping up his calmly polite pose.

"More tea?" asked Q, checking the pot.

"No, thank you," she said, draining her cup. "I think I've seen enough."

"I'll walk you to the door," said Bond, standing. He didn't loom, exactly, but his presence grew larger nonetheless.

She stood and took his arm, allowing him to lead her out, and Q sat and buried his face in his hands. "Thanks for sticking with me," said Q, giving Andy another rub behind his ears.

"Good lookout," said Andy with a little trill. "Goodhome."

Q gave it a kiss on its head, even though it pretended to dislike 'mouthpets,' and then sat up and had a long drink of tea. James would have to head back out into the field, provided they hadn't ruined the mission entirely. Project Monster had leeway, but too many scrapped missions over Q's well-being would still be looked at askance.

Bond came back before Q could go all the way down that mental rabbit hole. "I'm sorry about that. I haven't been home enough, I guess," he said, kissing Q's cheek as he sat. "I'm still the stronger monster, but she always was good at slithering in where she wasn't wanted."

Q sighed. "So, how fucked is the mission?" he asked, rather than the dozens of other questions crowding his brain.

"It's not, I was on my way to the airport. Someone will have to get the rental car, but that's par for the course." Bond sighed. "I did like that suitcase, though."

Q laughed. "I'll see if we can have it shipped back," he said, pulling out his phone and calling Moneypenny to report in. He put it on speaker, and between the two of them managed to allay her fears -- and some of Q's as well -- and arrange for Bond's things to be sent on from Reykjavik.

"I'll be taking more of that mandatory leave between missions, it seems," said Bond, after they rang off.

Q kissed him softly. "I won't complain," he said. "I will do a bit more rewiring, though."

Bond chuckled. "Yes, I rather thought you might. Maybe some lights on their own power sources that brighten as it gets darker?"

"I like the way you think," said Q. He nibbled on his cake, feeding Andy a bite as well. "We might have to get one of the other Double Ohs to help test our defences."

Bond made a disgruntled noise, but nodded. "003 is also very good at getting in where she's not wanted," he said. "Plus, you never seem to want to murder her, unlike the rest of us."

Q laughed. "She'd be my choice as well, once she gets back from Mumbai."

They talked a bit more and finished their snack; Q made another pot, this time of Earl Grey, while Bond surveyed the kitchen for something to cook for dinner. It was comfortable and domestic, despite the earlier scare, and Q ended up bringing his laptop into the kitchen to work while Bond cooked. Andy glided off to do something to better keep its space, and the cats made a nest of the blanket and snoozed away on the sofa.

"Let's watch movies after dinner," said Q, looking over to where James was doing arcane things with his fancy pots. It smelled delicious, but he could never quite make himself be interested in how it all came together.

"Stories?" teased Bond, turning to shoot him a fond look. "One movie, and some reading in bed. We haven't had a new chapter of _The Hobbit_ in weeks."

"Sounds perfect. We can do the next movie in that dreadful spy series you love and make too much popcorn," said Q, grinning right back. "I'm almost done here, anyway. Colin says hi, and he has no idea how you managed to get home from Iceland so fast but he's glad you're safe."

James chuckled. "We really do have to read him in someday," he said. "Dinner should be ready in about ten minutes, if you want to go round up the pets."

"In a sec." Q dashed off one more email and shut down his laptop for the night. 

Q claimed a kiss and headed out into their flat, fuse fixed and lights restored. Once he'd gathered Andy, the cats knew to follow him back into the kitchen, where Bond was getting everyone's food served up, from some kind of fish thing for the cats to Q's big plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Andy got a vegetarian version and there were also three salads, and some bread that Bond had rescued from the freezer and toasted to garlicky perfection.

Q sighed as he dug in, feeling safe and content with the monsters in his life until he remembered one niggling little detail. "Are we really going to have to start inviting your exes over for tea?" he asked plaintively.

Bond at least had the grace to look sheepish about it.


End file.
